I’m 48 years old.  I’m a mother of eight, and have seven grandchildren.  Basically I did a lot of running in my life.  I was always interested in the fast life.  I ran the streets and I did a lot of clubbing.  I got messed up in drugs; I guess I was curious.  I didn’t go to school, but I was always curious.  When I got involved in substance use, mainly it was crack. I smoked and I also sold it.  At that time my family had custody of my children. I was just hard-headed and stubborn. 

I didn’t think I had a problem with anything.  My brother was a counselor and he used to take me over and over again to detox, but I went for all the wrong reasons.  I went for everybody else and not for me.  In the back of my head I knew once I came back out of detox I’d be going straight home to start drinking or doing whatever I was doing.  And that’s what I did.  It got so that I had to go to different detox places because I got tired of them seeing my face.   I always knew what I had to do while I was there.  I learned a lot about recovery, but still didn’t think I had a problem.

I kept getting arrested selling drugs.   I lost my apartment plenty of times, but I had keys to my family’s apartment.  Believe it or not, I didn’t know that I was really homeless because I didn’t have my own apartment.  But you couldn’t tell me I was homeless.  It took me a while to really sit back and get humble, to accept all this and get honest with myself but I did.  I surrendered.  I entered a 6-month residential program.  And I started to like cooking there.

When I graduated, I was referred to Project Renewal’s Culinary Arts Training Program.  This was a great experience.  My classmates and I studied together, we quizzed each other before graduation; we worked hard.  I loved my classmates and Chef Anthony and Edna and Cheryl and the counselors.  We worked as a team.  There are a lot of people in recovery here which keeps me aware of where I am and how I could be back out there in a heartbeat.  Ron Johnson and Barbara Hughes were great.  I listened to everything they taught me.  They taught me about interviewing and about how to get a job.  They set me up with interviews and everything.  And now I work at Project Renewal’s Comfort Foods.  My family laughs at me because before I couldn’t boil a pot of water!  Today my sister is still shocked that I have a food-handling license.

Today, I’m just grateful.  I just celebrated three years of sobriety.  My kids are in my life.  I’m living with my fiancée.  I am truly grateful to Project Renewal for giving me these skills and for hiring me. 

The people in here are wonderful.  I’m happy because they just had another graduation in the culinary class-I remember when I was a student – and when the students came upstairs, I treated them just as I was treated when I came up those stairs.  This February, I will have been here for two years, working at the same place.  It’s great.  And that’s all I have to say.  I’m just living life to the best of my ability.

I entered a treatment program with no real intentions to stop using.  After graduating, I got a job counseling.  I was good at giving advice but would never take it.  I didn’t attend meetings; I thought I could take on the whole world.  I started using again; I got tired of it; I went into a program again; I went to detox, and I went to rehab; I came back out—over and over again.  During this time I lost my mother and my sister.  Then when my father passed I just gave up on everything. I went on a tirade to self-destruct and when it didn’t happen I got up and said, “I am done with this.  I want help.”  That was 17 months and two days ago.  Intake counselor, Victor Sancho, came and did a presentation about a Project Renewal program called Renewal House and that’s where I went.

Renewal House’s methods of treatment were kind of unorthodox and at first I was very resistant.  It’s like a TC [therapeutic community], but modified.  They address the true nature of whatever it is you are going through and I wasn’t ready for that.  I started feeling the loss of my mother, sister and father and I had no trust.  I was full of anger.  My counselor, Mr. Wendell Parks, told me, “You’re only hurting yourself.  I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m just trying to bring out what you need to address so you can meet it and move on.”  And that’s what it was.

At Renewal House you’re given a lot of freedom.  You go to meetings; you have to work.  Work is an important part of the program.  I worked at the Times Square Alliance (the BID).  Immediately I started receiving accolades from my supervisors.  I continued to work hard and graduated early from the program.  Two weeks after I was hired at the BID, I was promoted to assistant supervisor and I’ve been on that path ever since.  

I will no longer take things for granted.  I like how people see me now.  When I say good morning, I get a smile and a good morning back.  Sometimes in Times Square I have to step over people and so every day I’m reminded of what it could have been and what it can be.  Every night I sit in my living room and I thank god.  I look around and say, “This is mine.  I’m keeping this.”  And I go by Renewal House o talk to the new guys to let them know I’m a graduate and that they can do it, too.

I was born in Florida and lived there until 2004. It seemed like I was always staying in shelters, and going from here to there.  Or, I would move in with somebody new and it wouldn’t work out and I’d end up in the shelter again.  I had a child.  He was taken away and after that it seemed like everything started to fall apart.  I was using drugs and I was a heavy drinker.  I got so tired of doing crack and selling everything that I had. 

At New Providence, I learned that it is important to have.  When you want something, and you keep doing drugs and it keeps being taken away, you’re not going to get anywhere.  So I decided this was my chance to build myself up and get strong enough to be on my own.  I came to St. Nicholas on August 8, 2004—a date I’ll never forget! 
The first thing I thought was, “Wow! They gave us sheets!”  That was a big thing.  Just being here gave me a foundation so I didn’t have to struggle anymore and I could say, “This is important to me: I’ve got my own place.  I have my own key.”  This really teaches you.  If I want to come in, I can.  If I want to go to a movie or to the store, it’s up to me.  It’s a big deal.  Some people don’t see it that way, but it is.

I love being here.  I feel safe.  I feel content.  When I come in, I feel okay.  When I walk in the door, I say, “Yes! That’s my apartment!”  You just can’t explain it:  You have your own place, you’re not moving; you have roots somewhere.  There’s a computer downstairs; if I need it I can use it.  If I need help with something, the staff will help me.  Whatever it is, they’ll find a way to get me the help I need.

Now I’m taking my GED and after that I want to be a nurse.  I’ve always liked helping people and now I am going to be able to do it.

Robert is the Clinton Residence's most famous resident, being the subject of several books by his brother, noted author Jay Neugeboren and a new documentary, "Imagining Robert" (http://www.imaginingrobert.org) by filmmaker Larry Hott.

"For 37 years", notes Hott, "[Robert] has lived within the mental health system, his treatment prognosis changing with each new doctor and each new 'cure'.

He has been in state hospitals, city hospitals, halfway houses, group homes, jail cells, elite treatment centers, forensic hospitals... Most often, though, he has had an abundance of drugs and a sad lack of care."

Now, however, as a result of working with the staff at Clinton Residence, Robert is a living miracle. Despite decades of doctors' predictions that he would never be able to live outside an institution, Robert is enjoying the longest period of stability he's had since the onset of his disease nearly forty years ago: he has not been hospitalized in over six years. Robert is a successful member of Fountain House, the local psychosocial club where he works in the International Training Unit assisting with tours and education, in addition to working in a Transitional Employment position once or twice a month. As his brother notes, "It's amazing - he is thriving at Project Renewal. I feel like I have the brother I remember back."

You'd have thought with his background, William would have had many more problems at an earlier age: he was abandoned at the age of two by his alcoholic parents, along with eight siblings. All of his sisters and brothers ended up having substance abuse problems. Both his parents eventually died from complications related to alcohol. But it wasn't until the mother of his two-month old daughter left him for his best friend that William first tried crack. That, as William says, was the moment he wrecked his life.
Homeless and addicted, William spent the next eleven years of his life on the streets and in and out of shelters and jails. Luckily, there are second chances in life. Having, as they say in recovery programs, 'got sick and tired of being sick and tired,' while in jail, William applied to several residential treatment programs. One, run by Project Renewal in New York, accepted him and he spent the next nine months confronting a lifetime's worth of demons for the first time. Once he'd graduated, Project Renewal got him a job - as a porter at a Brooklyn church - and an apartment funded by the Shelter Plus Care program. From there, William progressed rapidly. He started working at Project Renewal, first as a porter, then as a recreational therapist, a housing coordinator and finally as Assitant Director. His success in getting clients into permanent housing led to a bonus from the city for exceeding our goal for moving long-term shelter stayers into homes.

Meanwhile, while finishing up his treatment, William re-met his childhood sweetheart with whom he'd grown up in the South Bronx. They started dating right before William moved into his Shelter Plus Care apartment. Then, on his sobriety anniversary, in a room filled with other men in recovery, he got down on his knees and proposed marriage. She accepted and they were married on June 21, 1997. They bought their first home (complete with their own mortgage) in 2002. The next year, William applied for and gained custody of his teenage daughter from whom he had been estranged for many years. In 2004, he and his wife adopted William's nephew who had been languishing in foster care.

William is now Operations Director at Common Ground's Jamaica Safe Haven.

I’m originally from Haiti but I’ve been in New York for a long time.  I was living in a shelter and I ended up in the hospital.  In the shelter I was in, they didn’t even give me enough food.  At one point I was sent to the psychiatry hospital, and then I was transferred to Project Renewal’s New Providence Shelter. 

New Providence was very different from the shelter.  I didn’t have any problems with food there, and most importantly, they were very supportive.  That is really what I wanted and it was very helpful for me.

After New Providence I moved to Project Renewal’s Clinton Residence.  I shared a room with someone that I liked; I had a bed to sleep on. I didn’t have to worry anymore.  Project Renewal is supportive; they were always there when I needed them. If I had a problem I just had to say it and they would find a solution.

Since I left Project Renewal, I feel confident. I do things on my own; I don’t need anybody’s help.  It wasn’t that way before.  I’m living in a place where I am more independent.  I am planning to move out from here next year.  It makes me feel good inside.

Now I’m even working as a Home Health Aide.  I got the job myself from the newspaper.  I did it on my own.  I love working with the elderly: I bathe them, I cook for them, I clean for them, and I do grocery shopping for them. It’s a lot of responsibility but I enjoy it.

Recently they had a reunion at the Clinton. It was the first reunion I ever had.  It was a lot of fun to see people who were there before and meet face to face again.  Project Renewal was a great experience and I am happy. I have a good life now. 

I started drinking when I was twelve, the year the Administration for Children’s Services split me, my brothers and sister up.  My parents were both alcoholic child abusers.  My younger brother and I went together to a boys’ home, and when we got too old for that, moved into the Y.  We got kicked out for drinking and smoking marijuana, and I joined the service. 

They tell you in basic training if you drink a little, by the time you leave you drink a lot.  I found this to be oh-so-true.  My drinking just progressed over the years. I knew it was a problem, but I was able to fool a lot of people; I was still functioning.  It got where I would black out, wake up not knowing where I was or how I got there.  Eventually I crashed and burned.

I ended up in a shelter – I called it the Brooklyn Zoo.  If there were no beds, people slept outside on crates.  I got into TORCH, a sobriety program at the Veteran’s Administration, but it was difficult to maintain sobriety because I was going back to that hellhole at night.  Not to make excuses, but there was no way I could stay sober there. 

One day I was at TORCH and the Director of Project Renewal’s In Homes Now came in.  The concept just made so much sense. You can’t expect someone to go to appointments when they are stinky, hungry, and probably didn’t get a good night’s rest.  You’re just waiting for them to fail because that’s what’s going to happen.

The first two years in the program I struggled with my sobriety.  The beautiful thing is I wasn’t kicked onto the street.  They were always there to support and give me alternatives.  No matter how much I screwed up, they were always there to pick up the pieces.  And I was still heavily screwing up. 

It seemed like nothing could stop me - not even getting my head split open in a fight.  I was drinking as soon as I got out of the hospital.  My younger brother took his own life. It really shocked me; you’re never ready for something like that.   It was always Wren and Mike, the dynamic duo.  That didn’t stop me either; in a way it fueled the fire.

Then my neighbor, one of my drinking buddies, got really ill.  I went to see him in the hospital…wow.  They said his liver just quit; he looked like a balloon.  His stomach, arms, and legs were huge and rock hard.  I started thinking, I have so many people on my side and I seem to be the only one against me.

I got a job at the VA Hospital and the people instantly fell in love with me.  They don’t judge me and have found me to be very trustworthy.  The job helps a lot with my sobriety.  I also started seeing a shrink and that helped a lot. I’ve spent a lot of crying hours; I’m not ashamed to say. The musician Lyfe Jennings says crying is like taking your soul to the Laundromat, and I really relate to that.

I got to Project Renewal because I ended up in a situation I never should have been in.  But, you live and learn.

I'm originally from Philly, and I have an Associates Degree in small business and retail. About a year and a half ago, some friends that lived in Staten Island said come to New York, and we’ll get you a job, come live with us. These were people that I knew all my life.  Me being stupid, I came to New York with all the money I had - $5,000. Once my money was gone, they put me out.  Don’t get me wrong, I was drinking at the time, but I didn't know they were into the hard stuff. 

So there I was.  I had no money; I had no family. I had my two little suitcases and I went up to Central Park, where I was sleeping on the bench. One day I got ripped off for my suitcases when I was asleep.  An outreach program saw me, asked if I needed help, and I said yes.

I went to two different shelters, first in Brooklyn and then at Project Renewal’s New Providence Women’s Shelter.  I signed myself up for outpatient Alcoholics Anonymous, and I graduated from there. I haven’t had a drink in almost a year and a half.  They say the first year is the hardest, and believe me it is.  Would I pick up a beer again? No, because one is never enough. 

After four months working at Project Comeback – a group that gives homeless people jobs cleaning in Soho - I went to Project Renewal’s Next Step employment program, where I met Dolan Byrnes, the Job Retention Coordinator. While I was working, Project Renewal put half of my salary away, which was helpful because when I finally got out on my own, I had that money saved up.

Last November Project Renewal set up an interview for me at Montclair State. I went in on Thursday and got hired on Friday. I’ve been there ever since. A lot of people there are also connected with Project Renewal and everybody gets along. We all help each other out.  My bosses love me.  They say I’m a hard worker; my supervisor said I’m the best utility worker they’ve ever had.

Project Renewal, I can honestly say, was willing to go out of their way to help me. I know of no other program that pays your way back and forth to work. Say I got fired tomorrow: they will help me find another job.  Rather than see you back out on the street, they will work with you. They’re very helpful and I’m very grateful. I thank them for this job.

I’ll never go back. A lot of people say never, but trust me, I’ll never go back.  I love working.  It’s stressful, but I can say its mine.  It feels good getting up in the morning, having a couple of bucks in your pocket not worrying about where you’re going to sleep, what you’re going to eat.  I’d love to get a studio. I’ve been dying for a big, flat-screen TV.  I have a little bit of money saved up. I’m a strong-willed person and a survivor, and I’m going to do what I need to do to get there.

I started on my quest for failure a long time ago, when I was nine years old.  That was 39 years ago.  I did my drinking and my drugs: basically I beat myself down, I didn’t give myself an opportunity to blossom. Because by now I would have been dead, I know that, with the life that I was leading. 

Well, when you start putting your finger on it, I saw I was messing up.  What really hurt me, too, was I lost my son. I couldn’t make it to my own son’s funeral.  I always wanted to be there for him, but I couldn’t be there for nobody unless I could be there for me.

To be honest with you, from the grace of God I came here to Project Renewal. It was all a process of blessing, and I have nothing but great and honest gratitude for what I now stand for.

I came to Culinary Arts in 1997, and I’ve been here ever since.  I’m proud to say I’m the first man ever to be hired at Viacom on an internship. It always comes back to the kitchen. See, this is my house because it gave me life; this is my house and I have nothing but sheer gratitude for being here.  Because Project Renewal gave me faith that I didn’t even have in myself.

I had to get up at 11 at night to do my homework, but I still was up in the morning, to go to morning and afternoon classes as well.  That’s the way I had to deal with me.

At one point I was quitting Culinary Arts and Barbara Hughes (the Director) caught me at the door, and she stopped me.  I don’t call her boss; I call her Ma for that pep talk she gave me. I lost my mother and my father since I’ve worked here, and Barbara was there for me, and I respect that.  I gave up on me, and she didn't.  The sincerity of the contribution Project Renewal gave to me implanted in me the determination to stay clean.

See, I lived in the kitchen from the first week I’ve been in that kitchen, till today, (laughs) going on 11 years now. I’ve been in there ever since. I’ve been in recovery going on 11 years. See, another thing: it's a birthday present my mother gets every year on her birthday, that’s my Year Clean Day.  From my Culinary Arts class, a colleague of mine is on Wall Street right now.  He finished high school.  Project Renewal puts you where you need to be.

I didn't think I’d make it past 25.  I’m about to double it.  Never believed it.  Cause I’m so used to, “He ain’t gonna be nothing.” That’s what Project Renewal gave me - the option to go for the positive instead of the negative.  That's why you stand firm. I’m just a walking testimony, that’s all it is.

People see the sincerity in you and therefore anything you can drop on them, there’s a chance they can prosper from it.  That’s the way it came to me and that’s the same way I bring it.  It isn’t just pride anymore. I’m a piece of work, like all of us. But me, I’m really just sincere in making a difference about something.

When she came to us, she had little more than a high school diploma and a determination to find a full-time job in computers so she could get off welfare.  For the next three months, in addition to her volunteering at Lenox Hill, she began taking computer training courses at Project Renewal.  "They even paid for my accreditation test," she stresses.  George Avent, Coordinator for Job Placement Services, helped put the finishing touches on her resume and enrolled her in a job interview skills class. He also found her an internship at a neighborhood computer repair store. After her internship,  “George helped me a lot with getting temp jobs and consultant work." But then the Human Resources Administration (HRA) assigned a job to Laira cleaning up garbage in the park.  She was required to go through the process of orientation but during every appointment, meeting or class, she used the interview skills she'd learned and gave the people at HRA her resume.  Finally, her persistance paid off.  She was given a clerical test, an interview, and a job in the field she wanted.

Today Laira is the Computer Resource Center Coordinator for the Tony Dapolito Recreation Center, teaching computer classes to seniors, adults and kids.  She and her family live in Harlem and her two children are now in school.  "I still have goals I want to accomplish, but I feel a lot more secure and comfortable." Laira could have stayed on welfare.  She could have given up.  But she wanted a job, a home, security for her family.  She just needed a network to help her.  "Without everything Project Renewal did for me," she says, "I wouldn't be where I am today.

In 1987 I lost my mother and eventually had a nervous breakdown.    I ended up in Bronx Lebanon Hospital Psychiatric Unit.  They evaluated me and diagnosed me as a paranoid schizophrenic. I didn’t know what that meant but the doctor explained it to me in detail.  I learned to accept my illness and not down myself like another person would. 

I stayed there for seven months.  I wasn’t sure I was ready to leave.  I even asked the doctor to increase my meds but they said “no” and felt I was ready to leave.

When I got back, I was going from place to place.  I was too afraid to ever sleep on a bench.  I was afraid someone would come up to me and hit me.  When I was on the streets I always kept my eyes open.  So I always used what ever money I had to find a place to sleep.  There were times I ate of pantries and soup kitchens but I always found a place to sleep. Mostly I’d stay in hotels.  Back then, my drug of choice was marijuana and alcohol. 

Eventually I ended up at Project Renewal’s Third Street Detox for two weeks.  I wasn’t on anything but it was really hard to find a place to live.

One day my social worker told me I was moving to Project Renewal’s Clinton Residence.  When I first got there I shared a room with another guy but after I was there for six months I got a single room.  At Clinton they had various groups—men’s, women’s, personal hygiene, arts and crafts and focus groups.  In focus group, we talked about finding a job, where you want to go in life.  I attended all of the groups.  Whenever I wasn’t working I was in a group.

I lived in Clinton for one year and then one day my case manager told me I was moving to LeonaBlanche House.  I’ve been here for almost four years.

I love this place.  So far, since I’ve been moving around, this is the best place I’ve been.  This is a beautiful place if you are a sick person.  The staff is great.  They’re very dependable.  They’re always there if you need them.  I’m glad I came here instead of just getting an apartment because I wasn’t ready for it.  This helped me prepare for the next step.

Since I’ve been here, they help me with my medications.  They help me keep all of my appointments.  They’re the reason I went to and graduated from the Culinary Arts Training Program.

It changed my life a great deal.  I learned a lot about myself.  I learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses.  I would recommend it to anyone with a disability who needs somewhere to stay.  Coming off the street and coming out of jail, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

It all started 22 years ago with a bad choice.  I was married, a responsible husband and father.  Subsequently my ex-wife and I divorced but I stayed in touch with my children and lived a comfortable life.  Then one night I made a bad choice and at age 45, I tried crack cocaine and fell instantly in love.  Everybody says they can control it, but drugs can’t be controlled, they control you. I was on and off with that for the next 8 years.

I did go into treatment and spent 22 months without using, but I failed and I went back to the crack cocaine because I had no after-care or structure.   I was good for a while but after that I went back to it with a vengeance.  And it led to me taking someone’s life.

I went to prison in 1995.  And I spent the next 12.5 years serving. I did the crime, I took responsibility and I knew that if I kept using drugs, as available as they are in prison, I would never get out.  So I embarked on sobriety, getting back into those things I knew how to do best: working and getting involved. It was all about me seeing my family again. 

In prison I became connected to the church and spirituality. It helped me through my darkest days: the isolation, the loneliness. I started my own drug program; I became a teacher’s aide. I joined a Hispanic group and the NAACP.   

My final release date was January 2, 2008.  On January 7, I went to Renewal Farm at St. Christopher’s Inn and that was the best thing that happened to me. At the time, Project Renewal was forming their farm program there.  It was a great match.  We went out every morning clearing away the land, cutting down trees and bush. I was 67, and I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be embarking on a new career as farmer!  We worked and we participated in support groups four days a week. In April the land was starting to take shape and we planted our first crops.  That’s the idea of the program: get out in the fresh air, plant something and see your work come before you and see the results.

Project Renewal works because they provide a multitude of services. Not only do you become sober, you can find housing and employment. I have obtained an apartment.  I get help with my rent so it is affordable. I’m back in the community and it’s all because of Project Renewal and how they integrate you with support mechanisms at all junctures.  I’m back doing those things that normal people do. My daughter and grandchildren have supported me and said, “Pop Pop we don't want to know about the past, we just want you to be here for the future.”  That’s very humbling. I can lose that at the drop of a hat.  I have to just keep those mechanisms in place that have kept me sober for 13 years.  Yesterday’s history, tomorrow’s a mystery. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and support to continue this path.  However I’m up for the challenge.

I’ll always remember this: I had taken a life, and I was given a second chance at life.  And I had to do something to make amends for that. I’m embarking on that as we speak. I was offered a job at Project Renewal as a Residential Aide and I’m very excited about it. I want to give back and help by sharing my experience.  Helping others is part of me staying sober and if I can help one person I will feel I’ve been successful. 

I owe a lot to Project Renewal.  In fact, I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the staff and residents of Safe Haven who cared about me enough to help me make a normal life for myself.

I am an artist, I’ve always been an artist.  But I’ve also been many other things – a hostile teenager, an addict, an alcoholic, and my own worst enemy.

I grew up in Chester, a small town outside Philadelphia.  As a kid, I had a lot of artistic talent – my friends and my teachers told me I should be an artist.  I was in an art major/ college prep program.  But I was also mad at the world.  I had reasons to be angry – I’d been abused, beaten up, molested.  But there was also something else going on in my head that put me in conflict with everyone else.  I didn’t know it then, but this was the start of my mental illness.  So how did I handle this?  I didn’t – I escaped to drugs and drinking.  I fought with everyone, my mother, my family, I burned a lot of bridges. 

I decided to come to New York and take classes at FIT.  I was learning a lot and finding that my art had a voice of its own.  The work I produced amazed me.  But I still was at war with myself.  Drinking, fighting with other students, my teachers. I was hostile, feeling that the world was against me because I was a young black man, that they saw me as a thug, a menace to society.  My advisor at FIT suggested I see a therapist.  I did get some counseling, but then all my school funds ran out.  I became homeless. For three years, I slept on subways and on rooftops.  My family was looking for me and reported me missing.  But I didn’t want to talk to them – I was still mad.
I went to different outreach programs but no one knew how to handle me.  They were trying to help me, but in my illness, I thought they were trying to hurt me. 

At this time, I finally got a diagnosis of bipolar, schizoaffective disorder.  This means I am not in touch with reality and that I hear voices.  I started taking medication.  I had a girlfriend who tried to help me.  She was truly inspirational.  She suggested I go to Fountain House where I could get counseling and support.  They helped me find part-time work.  They helped me show my art in their gallery.  But I was still drinking and drugging.  I put on weight from the medication.  I became isolated and agoraphobic – staying in the apartment alone and hopeless.  Then after 13 years with my girlfriend, I just walked out.

I ended up in detox, and finally realized the problem was me, no one else, not Fountain House, not my ex-girlfriend, not my employers (when I had a job) – just the drugs, alcohol, my mental illness, and me.  So I got clean and sober, stayed at Bellevue Mens Shelter, then a halfway house, then I came to Safe Haven.  First as a day client – I could come in, have my meals, do laundry.  I started to connect with people – the staff and the other residents.  Finally, I got a bed there and my own locker.  The program just really started to work for me. 

What was different about Safe Haven and Project Renewal?  Well, for one thing, Safe Haven just looked nice – compared to all the other places I’d been. But Safe Haven makes you think about your next step.   There was supervision and structure.  I woke at 6:30 am, learned how to make my bed, take care of myself.  I learned I can’t use drugs, that I needed medication to keep my positive focus.  I finally got the right medication to stabilize my illness.  This was a down home place I could relate to.  This is what recovery was all about.  I met with counselors and support groups every day.  The staff were professional.  I looked up to them.  They were honest and they really cared about me.  When I told them I was an artist, they worked with me to give me space and supplies, to help me start painting again.  They helped me get back in touch with my family.  They gave me focus and said “Love yourself.”  And that’s what I did.  In one year, I worked on recovering mentally, spiritually, and physically.

I came to Project Renewal in February 2005 after a six month stay in the hospital. My HIV had deteriorated. Before that I was actually arrested for dealing crystal meth. I was let out of jail to go to a hospital because they thought I was going to die, but I got better.  I moved into Holland House and have been here since then.

I chose this place because I was unsure if I could actually take care of myself on my own. I liked the fact that they have a kitchen here and a nurse, and they have counselors to help you navigate through the system. Those were very important things, just to have that kind of support. It was rather hard the first couple years to get up and go to the store, to just do the basic things. You don’t think about these things, but a lot of the time they really wore me down. I was sick a lot.

The case management services here have been so helpful. Navigating life when you have a chronic illness is near to impossible. Where do you go to find housing? Where do you go to find supportive services, a dentist who takes Medicaid, or a doctor? How do you know that stuff? I sure didn’t. These guys here that do it are so fantastic. And I’m lucky enough to know Morgan Pepper, who’s the Clinical Director here, so I’ve got the best of the best!

Right now I’m going to school for Cosmetology at the Aveda Institute, which is really, really fantastic. After fighting the HIV and the depression and the sicknesses, I had to figure out what I wanted to do. Now that I’m feeling a little better, and I’m not going to jail because I got probation from my court case, it’s time to think about what I really want. Being at Holland House definitely got me to a point where I could do things for myself.

Back in March, Morgan and another tenant and I took a trip up to Albany to speak to senators about the importance of not cutting the budget for supportive services. I told my story, about how I was miserable and down and out and sick and depressed for two and a half years. If it wasn’t for being able to go down and talk to my counselors, I probably would have just slipped further and further away. It’s very important that the public hear from people who are doing well and have had a change in their lives because of supportive services. And I wouldn’t have been able to do that without Project Renewal.

I also started a sewing program here at the Holland House. I got a bunch of industrial machines, fabrics, sewing room supplies, irons—the whole nine yards—donated, and I teach the class. A while back I got a job working with a couture designer I knew from the Crystal Meth Anonymous Program. Just kind of getting back in there and getting that self-confidence to know that I could do something again was really important for me. So I wanted to do that same thing here. The first class, everyone who came down left with something finished that they made. So, it’s not just having something they can wear, but about having the confidence to know that they can get out there and they can do it too.

Morgan Pepper wrote a bio about me and my life, from where I was to where I am today. Because of his letter and all of the things I have been able to do, this year I won Tenant of the Year from the Supportive Housing Network of New York. There was a big shindig and I gave a speech about my experiences. I definitely would not have been able to do all this on my own.

My name is Noel Rodriguez and I was born in Puerto Rico. I came to New York at the age of seven. The first time I went to jail I was 19 years old. I went to jail, went through the system, came out and went through the system again. This cycle kept on going for more than 25 years. In a period of 25 years, I did about 20 years incarcerated.

When I was 17 years old, my girlfriend became pregnant. I wanted to do what a man should do. I got a job. But peer pressure set in, and I started doing things a man shouldn’t be doing. I started selling drugs, I started using drugs, and I started cheating on her. So I left her, not so much because I was with someone else, but because I felt she deserved a lot better and I wasn’t the one to provide it. The girl I was with was active in drugs. I became more involved in the drug thing. And the cycle began.

Most of the times I came out of jail, I had a grudge. I was rebellious. I felt that the state owed me. I did five years for selling ten dollars worth of crack, which I think is crazy, but it is what it is. You do a crime, you gotta do the time. But it left a bitter taste in my mouth.    I kept going back to drugs. Eventually I became a full blown addict.

The last time I came out of prison was May 30, 2007. I had lost everything; I was homeless. So when I came out this time, I had made some goals. I knew about Project Renewal, and when I got paroled to Bellevue I asked them to please refer me there.  Once the assessment period was over, that’s where they sent me, to the substance abuse shelter at Third Street. I already had it in my mind that I was going to do the right thing. But I needed help to get there. I realized if I don’t make a change, I’ll be begging for change and I don’t want that.

Really it’s very simple. Project Renewal will help you. The outpatient counseling program is very good. The Director, Doug, and his outstanding staff work with you very closely. They give you guidance, which is what a person like me, who has spent so much time incarcerated, needs, because they’re two different worlds. 

They will provide whatever it is that is needed on an individual basis. Their focus is that you have some sort of therapy to help you with your addiction. Because if you’re using, you can’t meet with your case worker. If you’re an addict, you can’t hold a job or keep an apartment. If you’re an addict, nothing is possible. So they are actually trying to help you help yourself, by having you address your drug issues.

Once you do show you are consistent, they set you up for interviews for housing that they feel is adequate to your needs. However, we do have choices. It’s not like, this is what we have for you and you have to take it. I worked hard, I stayed consistent. I have 16 months clean. And now I’m living in a studio in the Bronx and working and taking it one day at a time. I can shower in the morning, I can shower at night. The little things mean a lot. To do what the “squares” do, it’s a beautiful thing!

The most important thing is, you have to want it. So it all starts with me. However, Project Renewal, and especially the staff at the outpatient counseling program, gave me a lot of hope. For that, I’m grateful. I feel like I’m blessed.

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